Whether it’s long sleep conversations or strange things away from the covers, there are plenty of stories about somniloquy – sleep-talking – and somnambulism – sleep-walking. Read on and learn some of the best.
Time to Get the Paint
Unfortunately, this gal didn't give any indication of WHAT she wanted painted pink, which means the correct solution for any husband or boyfriend is to just paint everything pink – cover all your bases. What could be worth more if it's painted pink? A fancy clutch bag? A dress? A pair of shoes? An Xbox? We don't know, and the second part of the advice is even stranger.
What would last longer if it's painted pink? Would any of the above items last longer? We don't think it's true, but maybe some of them will get less use and then last longer. Other than that, just start painting.
Do You Hear the Drums?
None of us got through our first viewing of “The Fellowship of the Ring” without letting go of at least a single tear at the death of Gandalf. He fell from the bridge of Khazad-Dum after facing down a mighty Balrog, and every element of the movie drove home the terrible, terrible moment.
It seems like this person had nightmares about the fall that left the fellowship without a guide and leader. We can't blame him. Was this guy practicing for his role as Frodo in a community playhouse, or was he just reliving his favorite movies in his head while he slept? Either seems great, honestly.
She's Really Been Letting Us Down
Sisters really can be the worst, but it isn't often a parent just out-and-out talks about getting rid of one and trading in for a newer model. What was this one up to? Was she not getting her homework done? Was she not going to bed at the right time? Was she getting piercings in all the wrong places?
It's impossible to tell from this short story, but it seems like Mom is at the end of her rope if she's thinking about the issue even while she's asleep. Maybe we should get one with black hair this time, I hear they're a lot less of a hassle.
Light Is the Head That Wears This Crown
There are lots of stories about this founding father. He was a statesman, inventor, businessman, and all-around wise guy who was fond of elder women and helped shape the United States of America. One of the many stories – and perhaps the most outlandish – is Ben and his son flying a kite in a storm with a key attached to study conductivity.
It really did happen, and it was one of the things that eventually led to electricity and our modern age. This deep sleeper was all about Big Frank and decided that he even had some kingly qualities to him.
Bunk Bed Trials
Not just once! That's not good enough! You need to get more data when it comes to this sort of experiment. What was the hypothesis, we wonder? “I can jump out of my bunk bed without hurting myself” probably wasn't it, especially since that hypothesis was proven to be untrue.
Maybe it was something like “I can scare the heck out of my brother by diving out of bed over and over,” which was probably much more likely. Luckily, this kid only sustained minor injuries from something that could have been much worse.
A Vivid Demonstration
Anything you say while you're asleep is almost certainly going to come out as hard to understand, and saying that you need to push the potted plants deeper into their pots is no different. Most of the time a bedmate would just roll their eyes at such a declaration and go back to sleep, but this time it was a little different.
The sleep-talker decided to display exactly what he meant, trying to push the other person out of the bed. While it was a good way to demonstrate that, it probably didn't help their relationship last even as long as it might have.
Trying to Keep a Friend Safe
We assume that this sleep-talker is talking about the famous blue and white Astromech droid from the Star Wars series, in which case it's probably good advice. Spaghetti is tough to get out of almost anything – imagine trying to get it out of the sophisticated circuits and machinery that are at work inside R2-D2.
Of course, just the fact that the party has spaghetti doesn't mean that it will get in and/or on the droid. Then again, what kind of party serves spaghetti? It's a great dish, but it isn't exactly party food. Too messy. Maybe that's why R2 shouldn't go. Maybe the party was going to be a bust.
Eventually, You Get Used to It
Our favorite part about this example is that if you just take the last part, it almost sounds like a come-on until you remember that caterpillars don't exactly work that way. Even the first half sounds like it could be something sweet or saucy, but the two halves just have a hard time working together.
All in all, it's a classic example of talking in your sleep – starts with a wild premise and very quickly gets even wilder to the point where people who might be listening in won't really have much of a response.
Wink Wink Nudge Nudge
Scallawag! Don't get fresh with me! Also, I don't know what that means! Here's how this hilarious turn of phrase came about: the boyfriend works with plants all day, so much that he's started dreaming about them. He also really likes his girlfriend, and maybe he wanted a little bit of affection.
Those two things swirled around inside his brain in a wonderful sleepy slurry, and he decided he would shoot his shot while he was asleep, coming up with his best pickup line. This obviously didn't work out the way he intended. There's almost a saucy line here, but it just has a vague insinuation of romance.
Dreaming of Family Dinners
What brings us more comfort than eating? Few things, except for maybe a nice glass of cognac and a bedtime story. If you're an old woman that has spent plenty of time preparing and enjoying meals with a full table, why not keep the fun going while you're sleeping? It's certainly a lot better than real sleep-eating.
Real sleep-eating will have you waking up with a comically-large turkey leg in your hand, standing in front of the open fridge in nothing but your nightie. Sure, it's not the worst thing you could do while you're asleep, but it makes for a lot of unexpected cleaning.
Sleep-Man Must Take to the Skies
The night is the perfect time for superheroes, but usually, they know exactly where their cape is. This sleepy little hero needed to get dressed in a hurry – so fast that he couldn't even get out of bed. Or even wake up! Even the worst heroes that have graced the comic book page (looking at you, Plastic Man) know that to correctly fight crime, you have to be awake.
But maybe this will be the hero that creates a new paradigm and proves that even deep sleepers can keep the innocent safe. But we all know that the mom is the true hero here.
It's Good to Have Goals
Anesthetic is like an even more powerful, more wild form of sleep, and it can deliver us some incredibly humorous and off-the-wall moments such as this one. A man wakes up, declares his intent to divorce (we hope), and then says he's going to clown school. Well, he's already talented at acting goofy.
We suppose it's just a natural progression. Unfortunately, this guy is almost certainly going to wake up to find his wife upset at him, and a colorful wig on his head, and he's going to have no idea why.
Look, They're a Lot of Trouble Sometimes
Having to deal with the monkeys is the worst sometimes. Have to clean out their hutch, give them fresh pellets, and cuddle them. At least they make those cute little chirping sounds when you hold them. We're thinking about guinea pigs, aren't we? Yeah, we are.
This honestly sounds like a lot of fun – you can just ask her questions and get totally nonsensical answers that are bound to put a smile on your face. On the other hand, if she actually needs to scoot over, you might be out of luck.
To Eat Only the Highest Leaves
Dreams allow us to tackle tough issues with our subconscious minds. Sometimes we wake up with a fresh idea, sometimes we think that the best solution is something like a really tall giraffe. Unfortunately, this person doesn't even know what kind of problem he or she was dealing with, since everything else was lost to sleep.
We could come up with silly reasons why a really tall giraffe, specifically, would be a help, but we think it's more fun if you come up with your own.
You Just Lost the Game
Yeah, your guess is as good as ours when it comes to this one. People who talk or walk in their sleep can do some pretty weird stuff, and this one isn't even close to the weirdest we can see. Playing a card game in your head and responding to your dad walking in sounds like some gambling-themed horror-movie stuff.
It's capped off by the subject of the dream slumping off the bed at the end of the story. If you're a parent who deals with this sort of thing, do you laugh or are you worried when it happens? A little bit of both, maybe?
Get Out of My Swamp
Sleepwalking and sleep-talking are pretty close when it comes to behaviors – one can very quickly turn into another. We don't really think there is a category for sleep-kicking, however. When you think about it, kicking is just walking with one foot, in the direction of something you want to destroy.
A donkey kick might sound like a martial art move, but it's actually an exercise. Get on your hands and knees, keep your knee bent, and lift your foot up until your upper leg is parallel with your torso. That's a donkey kick. It's great for working your hamstrings and glutes.
The Recipe for Good Sleep
Here's something you might find useful if you have trouble sleeping. Open the window. Yeah, it might be hot out, or it might be cold out. It could even be below freezing outside, but you're still going to sleep better. For some reason, the fresh air that flows through is going to encourage your sleep – it's just one of those things that have always helped, at least a little bit.
There are lots of other reasons why you might have trouble getting to sleep, like fire ants, but try opening a window next time. It might be a little bit easier.
Feels More Like a Fuzzy Caterpillar
Really, all of us move around or make sounds while we're asleep, but people who sleep talk or walk do quite a bit more, such as in this example. This one is pretty tame – the person isn't even getting out of bed – and it ended up being quite funny to boot.
Even better is the lady in question not only reached over to pet the leg but also had a conversation with someone unseen and unreal at the same time. Before, of course, realizing that a leg isn't a baby penguin. Maybe a trip to the zoo is in order.
Dad Knows Best
Waking up in a strange place is one of the scariest things that can happen to a child. Even if you're just turned around in your bedsheets, it's disorienting and confusing, and you're bound to remember it for years to come. Waking up outside of your bed in a hotel elevator in what appears to have been a completely different state from your usual is a few levels beyond that.
Thankfully, Dad was in full vacation mode, making sure everybody knew all the information they needed for any kind of emergency. Dad probably knew that one of his children has the tendency to wander off.
A Sleepy, Sleepy Singer
It's amazing how clearly we could hear both of these songs, even just from reading the made-up lyrics. The songs aren't even real! It's just tunes that somebody (we don't even get to know the relation) made up while fully asleep! To us, the first seems to have the better ring to it, though “corner cat” also seems to have a little bit of mystery to it. Maybe even danger.
What is corner cat doing over there in the corner? Anything important? We hope not. But we can't ignore the country cowboy tune, which also posits the existence of other kinds of cowboys.
Well, He's Not Wrong
When the zipper started getting used as a helper in keeping pants where they should be, pants that use only buttons, very quickly fell by the wayside. There are still some companies that offer them, and there are plenty of people that prefer them, but to many, it's an archaic fashion choice that has no place in the modern age.
This sleeper had such strongly-held fashion beliefs that he wasn't willing to keep them to the waking hours and muttered this phrase while he was sleeping. But has he ever really given them a try? Perhaps he should walk a mile in those pants before throwing the first stone.
It Happens to All of Us
Burritos are, for the most part, comfortable things to see on your plate. A little bit of beef or chicken, maybe some beans and rice, cheese and veggies, all wrapped up in a tortilla and topped with salsa, guacamole, or sour cream. Sounds good. But, every once in a while, the tables are turned.
This dad had a terrible nightmare. He was the one on the plate instead of the one holding the fork. We hope that he was a good mix of ingredients, at least. Being burritoed is bad, but being burritoed with kale and goat cheese is a fate worse than death.
Well, He Could Be Right
Sure, he could be right. Falling trees are famously known to make extremely loud noises, but the science is still out on if they make a noise when nobody is around. If only there was some way we could figure it out.
On the other hand, we don't think a magic eraser will fit the bill unless the magic of the item is to make really loud sounds. However, a Magic Eraser is a real product, and the magic is just being able to erase lots of things. Our money is on the falling tree, for what it's worth.
He's Gonna Have a Sore Arm
It's a rule of traveling with kids – you see a VW Beetle, somebody's getting slugged. Or, at least, somebody is gaining a point over the others in the vehicle. But what if you are dreaming up Beetles left and right? Well, the people who are in the bed with you are going to get really upset, that's one thing.
If you're dreaming of a wonderful magical factory where “punch buggies are seen first,” then they're going to be very sore, and they're going to be even more upset than they were before. But at least now we know the magical incantation for summoning unlimited beer.
Not the Right Kind of Car Wash
We bet that when this guy tried to tell the rest of his family about what happened, exactly zero of them believed him. They might know that he sleepwalks, but doing all those things in one single episode? It's just too much to believe.
Urinating on the car, a strange explanation about what was going on, the weird walk without pulling his PJs back up – it's a story that has to be seen to be believed. Of course, there's probably some extra evidence, such as the trail of urine leading back to the pants-less brother. Didn't think we were going to write that sentence today, but here we are.
Finding out that your little one is taking trips outside while fully asleep might as well be a worst-case scenario when it comes to parents. If the child in question is also sleepwalking, that's even worse – sleepwalkers don't exactly check both ways when they cross the street.
Finally, maybe you can sit down and help her work on her addition since that seems to be part of the problem. No doubt this family made sure no one was getting out but letting the rest of the neighbors know about this unique problem is also a good idea.
Giving Fair Warning
Don't you just hate it when someone goes in for a cuddle, leans in to whisper something into your ear, and all they can do is tell you about something that's in the closet? At least it was a cartoon turtle and not something bad, dangerous, and/or smelly. Who doesn't like a cartoon turtle? You could go with any of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, John the Turtle from “B.C.” or maybe Crush, the helpful surfer turtle from “Finding Nemo.”
There might not be endless options, but pretty much all of them are good. Except maybe the gigantic sea turtle from “Aladdin and the King of Thieves.”
Fawning Over You
It's like that joke about the guy who has a dream about eating a huge, tasty marshmallow, only to wake up and find his pillow gone. Thankfully, this one is a little cuter, even if it did seem invasive to the other person in the bed.
All's well that ends well, however, and even the person that was having a bunch of fingers shoved into her mouth was able to laugh it off. This also tells us something about sleep-talkers: the dreams they have don't really line up with what they're saying or doing.
And I need 50 CCs of Melatonin, Stat
Having a sleepwalking doctor has got to be up there with some of the worst possibilities. There are probably ways of curbing that sort of behavior, but imagine waking up and wondering if you had ordered spurious medical treatments or procedures while you were asleep.
Obviously, this sort of thing won't happen at home, but doctors often have to spend the overnight shift – or longer – at the hospital, and that might mean snoozing in a staff room. Just make sure to let the nurses know to wake you up if you're a part of this rare category.
Of Course. It All Makes so Much Sense
Throwing a party in Australia is no mean feat. You have to establish a perimeter, set up defenses, post guard, lock your doors...or are we thinking of making a secret Bond-villain base? We usually are. There is a little bit of overlap, at least, such as who is going to get rid of all the trash. Well, as this girlfriend pointed out, koalas are a natural choice.
Are koalas really good at throwing trash away or washing dishes? Are they the kind of creatures that make people want to do their own cleaning up? She didn't expound.
Your Quarterly Dream Journals Are Lacking
Managers have to make a lot of tough choices if they want to create a business that is going to succeed. Sometimes that comes down to hiring the right people, sometimes it's more like firing the wrong people, and this is the latter example. The wife just wasn't putting in the hours (at night?) required to keep her department in the black.
We assume that the department was something like sorting clouds. Big cotton ball ones go to weaving, long stringy ones go to the volumizers, and storm clouds get to go to a big yard where they run around for a while and burn off all their energy.
They're Very Fetching
For the bug creatures of our planet, antennae are quite useful little devices. They can sense touch, air motion, heat, vibration (meaning sound), and especially smell or taste. They're also often used for mating, brooding, swimming, and even latching on to something.
This person might just be giving away that she thinks they're quite a bit more interesting than she initially revealed. From sleep comes the truth. What does this mean when it comes to a human? Does she like his big ears? Long hair? Eyelashes, maybe? Maybe the guy actually has a bunch of radio aerials that she enjoys. Those are technically antennae.
Thanks for That
If you ever want to know what it's like inside literally any head while it's in dreamland, this is a good way to put it. We all go through these stages of coming up with random stuff inside our heads and throwing it together to see what sticks. There have been several famous inventors and artists that relied on power naps not only for energy but also to give them inspiration about a problem, such as Thomas Edison and Salvador Dali.
Thankfully, they were able to come up with more than just scaring other people and talking about “the twirlies.”
You Have to Check. Especially After Midnight
This is a reasonable thing to do, especially if someone is coming home late at night. They could be the unruly spirit of the undead, and you might never even know it. The witching hour is no joke. Smacking the ghost on the top of the head isn't the best way to go about it, of course.
First, you have to ask them why they're on the mortal coil. If they give you a good enough answer for that one, then you're pretty good. If they can't give you a satisfactory reply, then you start smacking. If your hand goes through – in real life, not a dream – then it's a ghost.
The Best Kind of Midnight Snack
Everybody likes to make – and then eat – cookies, but apparently some like it a little bit too much. This sleepwalker wasn't going to let the darkness stop him or her from keeping the house smelling like fresh-baked cookies, but we can't blame the parents for putting a stop to things before the child turned on the oven.
We're kind of amazed that a three-year-old was able to climb on top of the counter, get out a baking sheet, find pre-cut cookies, and start placing them. Did the child hit it with some baking spray? Otherwise, it will be hard to get the cookies off the sheet.
Hulk Too Sleepy to Smash
Who among us hasn't gotten the thought in their head to go running headfirst through a wall every now and again? Even this guy had the thought, and he wasn't even awake when it happened. In his dream, no doubt there was an opening that he could have used to enter some whimsical fantasy land, but not in real life.
We're consistently amazed that sleepwalkers are able to find themselves back in their beds. Their eyes are open, and their unconscious minds help them navigate around, but it's still one of the more incredible parts of sleepwalking as a whole. When they wake up, everything is just as it was.
A Sleepy, Sleepy Sandwich
The best part about sleep-talking is how we get to have a way to see into the dreams and sleepy going-ons of people who are deep in dreamland. This guy could have used a midnight snack – or had already gotten one – since he was talking about food.
Now the big question is, was the guy having a GOOD dream that had him turning into a sandwich, or was this the sort of thing you wake up from in a cold sweat? It's hard to tell, but the bunkmate seemed to enjoy it. It's always nice to have memories you can look back on, about your main man turning into a sandwich.
The Sleepy Seamstress
Here's how it goes. If you're dealing with something a lot in your waking life, especially if it's something that is causing you a lot of worry or stress, it's going to bleed into your dreams as well. This woman was clearly worried about the clothes she was putting together or the work she had to do at the sewing shop, or something like that because even when she was supposed to be asleep she couldn't get away from it.
She also could have been very right about the stitching being all wrong if they had low-quality sheets. Or maybe she just knows things about sewing that we don't.
Case of Mistaken Identity
Your guess is as good as ours about what is going on in the dream this lady was having, but it at least created something that gives this couple joy. Or at least it gives the boyfriend joy. The girlfriend might be tired of hearing about it by now. That's too bad for her.
If somebody has to suffer through being woken up in the middle of the night by a crazed dreamer, then that person gets to make fun of the dreamer until it stops being funny. At best, both of them have been calling each other spunky lesbians ever since.
Bed-Bound Boxing Match
Dreaming of getting chased is a common one for people that like to dabble in the land of dreams. Sometimes it's random people, sometimes it's someone specific, sometimes it's a ball of teeth the size of a city bus. For those who act in their sleep, this is obviously going to create some confusion and chatter, which led to this mean right hook.
What's amazing about the event is that he was able to get her right in the sweet spot, even though he most likely had his eyes closed. At least we know he can take care of himself when it comes to a fight.
The Nighttime Baker
This is one of the more unique stories on this list, and not just because the reveal is straight out of a comic strip. Both of the characters find out what the dream was about before they discover the punchline, and that means we, as readers, are also able to find out the relevant information about the dream. This is how you're supposed to write stuff.
It also raises some other questions, such as: what kind of cookies? Did he bake them himself, while he was asleep? That's scary since it uses an oven and even a knife depending on the cookie. If they were already made, whether homemade or packaged, he still assembled them on a plate.
Get Outta Here
We get it. Sometimes you have a bad day, a bad month, or even a bad year. Sometimes you just have to get up in the middle of the night and try to eat a frozen bagel, which probably worked as well as what you're doing to get the “Friends” theme song out of your head now.
No one told you life was gonna be this way, but at least have the courtesy not to demand your roommate, who is just trying to check up on you, to go back to Peru. It's just rude. Especially since your roommate has never even been to Peru.
Oh, the Unfairness of It All
Isn't that just the worst? The guy in your bed starts screaming that he can't feel his arm and then adds that he had lost his arm, and you do everything you can to help him out, and then you're left lying awake while he sleeps soundly. Of course, that sort of thing will happen. Seriously, if we had a nickel for every time.
Well, we wouldn't have any nickels, but it's bound to happen eventually. There's a first time for everything. Also, this poor guy thought he had lost his arm. That's pretty scary, too. The sleepers are also going through something.
A lot of these stories are about weird or scary things, or at least things that make zero sense whatsoever, but this one is all good. The fiancée seemed to be confused about what was going on, but it all became clear once she started talking about getting into food fights at the sushi bar or battling the other couples for dominance at the paintball zone...or whatever it is these two did on their first date.
We don't know, but apparently, this woman had a strong enough memory that it was no issue coming up with all the details even while she was asleep. It must have been a wonderful night.
We Prepared Ahead of Time
If your loved one sits bolt upright in bed and says while asleep “they're coming,” then it isn't unfair to assume you're in a horror movie, and you're either the first one to go or the only one to survive. Thankfully this was just your average sleep-talker, who was misinterpreting or misspeaking about a dream.
All the wife had to do was tell him that if they're coming, and everything's ready, then there's no problem and he can go back to bed. That made perfect sense to him, of course, and he slumped right back into dreamland. No horror movie here.
Trying to Be Productive at Night
Doing the sheets is a big job, and we can't blame anybody for trying to get an early start on this odious task. Might we recommend waking up, first? The worst part about this kind of tale is that for the person to properly get back to sleep, he or she had to put the sheets back on the bed, which is without a doubt the worst part of washing them.
To do that task after just waking up, still groggy and tired...we don't envy anyone in that situation. Most likely, this person decided to grab a top sheet and hit the bare mattress.
There are a few stories on this list that include people doing incredibly nonsensical things, even if it's just down to personal preference. Things like vegetarians eating meat, or like this story, which has a guy get out of bed and snack on a mini pecan pie before realizing he hates pecans. At least he had the good manners to leave the mini pie stacked on its box.
He'll probably wake up the next day and find the evidence of his nighttime activities, which is even better. As long as he isn't allergic, this is one of those great stories that is going to be repeated over and over.
And We Are All Lesser for It
Think of how much work we could all get done if we could study subjects while we slept. People would be getting master's, degrees, and PhDs by the thousands. You could learn a new language, you could study personal finance, and you could brush up on your algebra, all while getting some sweet Zs. Sadly, the knowledge was lost.
Believe it or not, this is actually a viable strategy. In a way, at least. By studying something right before bed, your brain dwells on it as you sleep. Studies show you'll then remember it better, and be better prepared for tests or continued study. Sleep is important!
Uh, Yeah? Anything Else?
We would be happy to find out what an “adult smile” actually means, and how it's different from a child's smile. Maybe it means a lot more (and much bigger) teeth? That's a chilling thought, no matter what kind of kid it is.
Kids often have dreams about being pregnant, especially if they just learned what it entails. Most of them don't have dreams that sound like they're straight out of a horror movie. This just goes to show you that sleep-talking isn't always the funny, goofy antics that some of the stories include.
No Big Deal
Don't you think you could have warned him a little sooner? Like, before the first night? Maybe it isn't all that frequent, but it's still something you should divulge if you're going to be sharing a room with someone. At least he was just talking about his favorite sport, and not something like worms or spiders or bugs or something like that.
Nothing got eaten or messed up – the dude just wanted to talk about the green. Surely there are worse things. However, if this went on long enough, the roommate was probably just upset. Hard to get good sleep when someone is talking about Phil Michelson.
Stop! Sleeping Bread Thief!
Plenty of sleepwalkers have a really simple way of doing things. They get out of bed, wander a bit, and find themselves curled up on the bathroom floor or something like that huddled on the carpet like a puppy. Sometimes, however, some more wild things can happen, like this story, which has a young man leaving his home and going to a grocery store.
He was standing confused with screaming people around him. Maybe some of them were sleepwalking too? Sleep makes us do strange things, but hopefully, he was able to return the loaf of bread and apologize with no more harm done.
The Things We Get up to
Is six the tastiest number on the remote? It might be the number that has the fewest presses – how often do you get up into the sixties while channel-hopping? Oh, but don't get us wrong here: please do not eat any part of your remote. That's pretty gross.
We also wouldn't recommend rearranging your underwear drawer so that it's filled with dolls that are wearing your underpants. It's not exactly unhealthy, but it will still raise a lot of questions, which could potentially include “where did you get all these dolls.” Really, there's no good option for things to do while sleepwalking.
A Snack for Later
Grabbing a chocolate biscuit (read: cookie) before bed is a time-honored tradition on either side of the pond. Grabbing one, melting it next to a light, and then sticking it to your sister's forehead while both of you are asleep is almost certainly not. Well, unless things are a lot weirder in Europe than we thought.
It's pretty much impossible to figure out why a sleepwalker would be doing one thing or another, but this seems like a level even beyond impossible. Was the woman upset at her sister? Did she feel bad about eating all the chocolate biscuits last time, and she wanted to make sure the sister got at least one? Regardless, we wonder what it was like waking up to a chocolate biscuit stuck to your forehead.
The Training Is Almost Complete
While most moms would be thrilled to wake up and find their children doing chores around the house, this doesn't exactly fit the bill. The vacuum cleaner wasn't on – it wasn't even plugged in – and the kid in question decided the best outfit for this work was in skivvies.
We'd love to know the age this went on, but it's hard to determine if it would be funny with the kid as an eight-year-old or as a sixteen-year-old. It's a toss-up. If you could teach your kids to vacuum in their sleep, would that work?
The Hunt Will Never End
Ah, the noble and historic burrito hunt. From the days of hauberks and cavalry to shotguns, pipes, and tweed jackets, it's been a part of our past for centuries. Some hunters turn their noses up at the idea of a burrito trap, saying it takes all the excitement out of this noblest of sports, but there are others who just need a bite to eat.
Most of the burritos you find at the store these days are raised on farms, but there are still some places that will offer up fresh-caught burritos for your dining pleasure. They can be a little gamy, though.
From Bed to Worse
It's a little mixed to say which one of these options is better, but after a little thought, it's easy to figure out. One of them has the boyfriend talking a little bit, and maybe getting a little bit sleep-mad, but it's easily stopped with a little nudge, even if that does wake the boyfriend up.
The other option is to disrupt both people's sleep with a big dog that is all too pleased to be called into the bedroom to investigate. There's a clear winner here, and the person telling this story is probably happy every time the boyfriend starts talking numbers.
Remain Ever Vigilant!
Making sure that nobody is sneaking into your inner sanctum isn't a bad idea, but if you're doing it every night and have a flashlight on the bedside table, and you're even doing it while you're fully asleep, maybe it's time to realize that you're safe enough. At least so that the other person in your bed can get enough sleep.
We'd also recommend checking more than one corner. Somebody who has been watching for long enough will just avoid that corner, and you'll never see them. They'll sneak away with your priceless collection of antique security alarms and flashlights.
What Kind of Voicemail?
This is probably going to be the kind of thing you have to apologize for the next morning. However, depending on the message inside the voicemail, it might be pretty obvious. Like if the guy left a voicemail that said “Please flambé the manifolds until they're lightly brown and soft in the middle” it isn't going to be too hard to realize there isn't supposed to be any useful information inside that message.
The date, time, and usual sign-off will make things a little more confusing, but nothing that can't be cleared up by noon.
Busy Day Tomorrow
Even without the language barrier, this would have been a confusing moment, but at least the other person would have known what the Mexican man was saying. Was he worried about everything he had to do at his job? Talking about all the chores he had to do around the house? Or, most likely, he was muttering about the cookie swamp being attacked by hordes of dangerous marshmallow men.
Even better, when he wakes up the next morning, there is going to be immediate evidence that the story she tells him is real. He'll still be dressed.
That's Okay. I Think
Don't look at us, we don't know what it means. Maybe the guy was having a dream about his wife just having some summer fun out in the yard, and he was on the slip 'n slide. He went too wild with his slide and pushed her away from the perfect spot. Yeah, that's probably it.
Or maybe the wife works as a sprinkler repair person for apartment buildings and things like that, and he had a dream about knocking her off a ladder. Maybe he was just saying sorry to her request, and his mind just started rambling.
Not Your Normal Noir
The end of this story seems like the kind of thing that you would get from a hard-boiled detective movie after the grimy hero tracks someone through the rainy streets of Los Angeles or New York. The other part of the story, however, makes us think this is a little bit more like a parody of that same genre, and a movie that we wouldn't mind giving a try. As long as it doesn't have Seth Rogan or Will Ferrell.
Imagine if Sam Spade or someone like that collared a crook only for the bad guy to tear burlap. Sure, it would be out of place, but that's what makes it funny.
I've Almost Got It Figured Out
Here's a hint for everyone out there: if someone knocks on your door at midnight and demands to know the secret of time, that person is a wizard and you should tread lightly. Most of the time it's a wizard, anyway – this time it was just a high school friend.
Though maybe that was his sleepy brain's way of telling you to knock it off and go to bed so he won't be bothered. Another important point is this event became a running joke in the ENTIRE SCHOOL! Just imagine that happening to you, and you don't even get to remember it happening.
I'm Trying to Be Polite
Whether “girl” means girlfriend or female child, either way, it's pretty funny. If it's the former, the storyteller was woken up by the other person in his bed asking him about his rocks. If it was the latter, that means a little girl started talking in her sleep about the same thing. It's just a naturally funny event.
She doesn't remember any of it – to sleep-talkers, it's all just a dream, and you rarely remember your dreams, no matter how many of them you have. What's worse, when you tell them the next day, they'll often refuse to believe you.
Good Luck With This One
If you can piece together what this one means, then be our guest. Send us a postcard with the correct answer, and you'll win a coveted no-prize, just like Marvel Comics. Our best guess is that the wife is also a mother, and she was dreaming about a son that didn't want to look like a girl.
Or, maybe she was talking to the dream version of her husband, who also didn't want to look like a girl. Other than those two possibilities, we just don't know what it could be. And what kind of light makes someone look like a girl, anyway? Is it pink?
The Brain Wants Meat
Brains can do some strange things when it comes to food. If you've ever heard of pregnant women craving specific dishes, it's sometimes the brain realizing it needs to eat certain minerals or vitamins for a healthy pregnancy. Other people eat chalk or other random substances for the same reason.
Maybe this guy's brain detected a need for a lot of protein, even if he's a vegetarian during his waking hours. We bet that was a tough thing to have to explain to the roommate when he woke up. Was there any convincing him, or did the roommate assume it was a setup?
What Did She Expect?
We bet she learned pretty quickly about encouraging the sleeping person into committing random acts of violence against the people in his dreams. Even better, even though she probably did want to get mad at him, she had no ability to. It was one hundred percent her fault. She encouraged it, and she got the brunt of it.
Maybe she can talk to him the next day and say “You were talking in your sleep, and also you punched me in my sleep,” but she will still know it was only her doing that got her punched. Something for all of us to remember. If you get punched, it's very possible it's your fault.
Gamers know that distractions can mean the end of a good run, or coming in last place during an online match. Having your sleepwalking girlfriend throw a cup of hot water on you while you're playing very much counts as a distraction. We almost hope the guy was a streamer, so we could see it happen.
We imagine the boyfriend was upset – when hot water was thrown at him but was he able to stay angry with someone who was apparently sleepwalking? Depends on the game. Hopefully, it wasn't Fortnite.
For Only the Chillest Jams
Wow, Apple has really expanded its market. To think that they went from just a fruit company to computers and music players to phones, and now to kitchen appliances. We ask ourselves: What does putting music in the fridge do? Does it slow it down, make it a little lazy, make it nice and simple for those hot summer days? Your guess is as good as ours.
Then again, the story didn't mention anything about music. Maybe he wanted to give his meals a soundtrack. That would be fun. Pull out brats and you get some classic rock, but get pasta and salad with wine and it plays classical music.
Very Specific Wishes, Maybe
This one could be true! As long as the aforementioned wishes are all about washing clothes and/or dishes. Other than those two situations, this dream will have to remain just that: a dream. But what else could this kind of advice possibly mean? Is there anything else you can wash?
There are people who wash their furnace filters or things like that in the dishwasher, but that isn't everybody. Car parts? Jewelry? Shoes? Maybe they're talking about shoes. It's pretty noisy, but it does work. Other than that, this sleeper is just talking wind, but at least he or she is TRYING to offer good advice.
Like a Lovecraft Story
It's always a good time when you discover that a family member has this kind of nighttime activity. Now you get a free show every time he or she wakes up. Of course, it's much more serious than we're making it out to be, since it can be dangerous and actually scary – there are plenty of stories about people hurting themselves, but thankfully they are rare.
Most of the time, it's stuff like this article. Sitting up in bed and declaring yourself emperor of the dragonflies or something like that. Sometimes you get frightening proclamations, which most certainly include “They are in the walls.”
Marry the Smart Ones
Sure, we could get into a discussion about whether this is intelligence or just simple common sense, but that's beside the point. It's so easy for the non-dreamers to figure out a way for those lost in their sleep to find a way out, and we know why.
No, we don't have a special device that allows us to delve deep into people's subconscious while they're dreaming (that you know of, at least). No, it's just that ANY suggestion made to a person who is that perfect when it comes to the amount of being asleep and being awake seems like the right one.
I Think They're Fine, Honey
You'd think that someone who loves fish and knows all that about fish would know, even in his unconscious mind, that fish not only enjoy the water, they have to stay in it. It takes the quick thinking of the awakened to keep the fish from being taken out of their watery homes by someone who doesn't know any better, and that person got a hilarious story at the same time.
Hopefully, this guy was just talking the talk, and not walking the walk, or he's going to be pretty upset when he wakes up fully the next morning.
Daddy Needs a New Set of Clothes
Las Vegas is lots of fun, but you know that old saying about what happens in Vegas? It's not really all that true. There are lots of stories about what happened in Vegas, such as this one, which has a guy trying to have some fun while he was still asleep and dressed in his undies.
He was even able to navigate down the hall and into the elevator, but his dad caught up with him in time before he could lose his shirt at the craps table. Though we doubt he would have gotten that far – casinos have security.
And She Has Proof
It's not always a delight to discover that your new bed pal talks in his or her sleep, but this wife is taking everything in stride. The story even goes on to say that she has several recordings, including one in which she asks math questions, and the husband gets all of them correct.
There's a guy who was paying attention in math class. We'd also like to know more about the computer science snake that is small enough to fit in the palm of the hand. There's lots of good stuff here, and maybe one day we'll hear the recordings.
Home Defense System
It's well-known that one of the goals of the vigilant man is to keep his home protected from invaders who like to sneak in and unroll all the tin foil in the kitchen. Those dastardly devils! It's going to get all crinkled up and then we'll just have to throw it away!
Not only have you made it useless, but you've also given us lots of work to do once we wake up! Unless you're just rustling a bag near the bed. That's fine. Just lock up when you leave.
How Rude of Me
We all need our beauty sleep. While eight hours is the standard that a lot of people try to reach, most adults are usually fine with seven good, solid hours. However, if someone is making a lot of noise, then it can be really frustrating. You aren't getting the sleep you need, and you're upset about it, which keeps you from falling asleep longer.
Sometimes the only solution is a little bit of shouting, even if you're the one keeping yourself awake. The other one in the story also has the right idea – if you're having trouble sleeping, have a nice, tall glass of water. It's amazing what proper hydration can do for a body.
Not Your Normal Breakfast
Pizza is one of the greatest foods that mankind has ever come up with. It has bread, cheese, tomatoes, and the toppings of your choice, from boring old pepperoni to wild stuff like beetroot pesto and goat cheese. It's no surprise that this young gal wanted some. These days all kids think about is Pizza.
The kicker is wanting a beer to go along with it. Beer is bitter, and while plenty of adults like it, it's just not the kind of thing that will appeal to many kids. Maybe she was just repeating her dad's favorite order.
Strengthening the Relationship
The poor man just wants to buy some steel, stop putting him through this kind of torture. And the son! How helpful! He was willing to help his dad buy some steel even though he had no idea what was going on. All the while, the mom and sibling (we want to say sister just to round out the cast) are laughing their heads off sitting in the hallway, giggles growing every time one of the two guys shouts something.
We wonder why the dad wanted to buy steel so badly – was that his nine-to-five infecting his dreams, or does he have a hidden dream of being a roller coaster builder? It's a pretty common dream.
And Don't You Forget It!
Plenty of people have been having their T-rexes stolen these days, so of course, this gal would be fiercely protective of hers. Of course, she doesn't actually have a T-rex, and nobody was trying to steal anything in the first place, which meant that the other person in the bed got a fist to the side of the head for no good reason.
Wait...was she calling HIM her T-rex? That's actually pretty cool. It would be cooler if you stopped swinging your fists around so much, but we suppose there's only so much you can ask for before things start to become unreasonable.
Quench Your Thirst With Literature
Some kids have a voracious taste for books. Just ask my parents – apparently, I actually ate books when I was a toddler. This is a little different, however. There are lots of books about water, but none of them will get that frog out of your throat. This is a silly story, but there were a lot of ways it could have been quite a bit more destructive.
The brother could have dumped water all over the book, or he could have dunked the book in the toilet or something like that. Depending on the book, it might have deserved it but most novels should stay nice and dry.