People on social media have already disclosed some of the funny things their grandparents do or say, which we brought to you in a previous article. Thankfully, they weren’t done, and neither were we! So, here is another batch of the best stories we could find.
Ah, the jar conundrum. Even after decades of a hard-lived life, sometimes people are unable to open them. Often, this job falls to the men of the house. It seems that one grandfather has weaponized this to his advantage to defuse arguments quicker.
All the experts say that continued conversation is a good way to push past the gross feelings that will happen after a relationship – you realize you still love each other, and your argument about who is the better Batman actor just becomes water under the bridge!
He's the Boss
You've probably never had a cold liver and onions sandwich. If you have, you know that one does not go into that kind of meal without knowing what they're getting into. To slap together a lunch like that one and chow down proves that you have some hair on your chest, you know what you're going to do during your day, and you aren't going to take any guff from anybody.
It means you need some protein and roughage and then you need to get back to work. And you've got plenty of that chopping wood or building houses or something like that.
Everything but the Bike
Stealing an old man's bike? What has this world come to? The guy just needs to get around town! He has to go to work, get some lunch, do a little bit of shopping at the corner store, and then maybe it's time to hit the drug store and grab a milkshake to wind down after a long day.
But no, the guy isn't even allowed to own a bike for a week before some scoundrel sees it sitting unaccompanied and decides to ride off with it. Is no one allowed to have nice things anymore? Just buy your own bike!
Burned From Afar
There are lots of good-looking people on TV, but not all of them are A-list material. Grandpa has been around for too long not to tell it like it is, and so he delivers this withering put-down. Of course, that woman will never know – her name is never even mentioned in the story, and grandpa was just doing this to get a chuckle out of the people around him.
Slip this insult into your pocket if you ever need to deflate someone that has gotten too big for their britches when it comes to their physical beauty.
Grandma's Advice? Go Nuts
Most of the time our grandmothers are the kindest, gentlest people we know. They make cookies, they give presents, and they knit the best darn socks. Sometimes, however, they know a little bit more about getting into scraps than we might have thought. This grandmother, for instance, wasn't about to let her little loved one suffer under the flying fists of a bully for very long.
Grandma's advice? Just go nuts. Let out all that little fury until the bully knows that it isn't worth his time to antagonize you. That's the grandma way – unfiltered violence.
He's Super Cereal
First off, he's totally right – Mueslix IS trash, and we aren't even fully sure if it's technically food. Second off, what's to keep would-be thieves from thinking the exact same thing as him if they're rooting through his pantry looking for food?
Hey, look in the box of Mueslix, nobody actually likes that stuff. Past that, it seems like this grandfather still has a little bit of kid in him, since he likes mixing together all the boxes of cereal to create a magical bowl!
Making the Best of a Bad Situation
Being able to deal with death isn't an easy thing. It's something that our mortal selves just can't wrap our heads around, most of the time. This family has developed a good way of working through it, which is to make jokes. You might consider it dark humor, but we all have our coping mechanisms. One grandmother was even prepared enough to make a joke about her husband being a ponce at the husband's own funeral.
Evidence has shown that making jokes and having good humor means you'll be a lot happier in life, and you might even live longer, too.
Make Like a Tree
If you need to beat feet quickly, you have to make sure you have the essentials. For a lot of people, that includes teeth. Now, most have their teeth on them at all times. Still, we love to imagine some old guy or gal getting too upset about something – the state of the world these days, for instance – and needing to retreat to somewhere that isn't as intense.
They say to their friend to hand over the chompers, slam them in, and spin on their heels. There's not really much else that you need for a memorable exit.
It's Time to Do Some Tests
We might not be inkologists here, but we're pretty sure ink can't really be measured in “hardness.” But, grandparents can get some interesting thoughts stuck in their heads. Still, we doubt that the bed sheets are responsible for the old man's back pain.
Unless, of course, the new sheets are of a different thread count, which could mean a change in the quality of sleep, which could mean more tossing and turning during the night, which could mean sleeping in different positions, which could mean a sore back. We think we cracked it, guys!
Light Switches Are a Rookie's Game
While this grandfather is correct in thinking that holding the freezer open will, in fact, waste electricity, it's not like it's going to break the bank if it's open for a few seconds too long. In fact, keep that thing open for an hour and that might be, what, half a dollar? And even that could be a lot more than reality.
On the other hand, it will also warm the place up. Yes, cold air is escaping, but the compressor has to work extra hard to keep the interior cool, which is pumping warm air out into the kitchen.
It's a classic gag, and honestly, it's hard to think of someone it could apply to more than King Charles. The man is going to be king one day, but that doesn't mean he has to have movie-star looks. While King Charles might have missed out on some royal genes, that doesn't mean he's a bad person.
We should still judge people based on their actions, not on their looks. Still, that didn't stop Grandma from delivering a withering burn to the future king of England, even if the only person there to hear it was a grandchild.
Once you've been around for a good collection of decades, you start to understand that you don't have to suffer through everything that comes your way. Whether that's a blowhard politician trying to convince you that higher inflation is good, or a young lady that should stick to her day job, you just don't have to give a duck anymore.
This grandpa had the bright idea of using technology to his advantage by switching off his hearing aid. Brilliant. Just make sure to turn it back on when the great-grandkids hit the stage.
Before we all jump to conclusions, there could be a very good explanation for this. Maybe the grandma just grabbed the first thing she saw when she realized there were rats in her pantry, and it just happened to be her favorite picture, the one that she carries around with her all the time.
Or, maybe, the person who is in the picture is so grotesque that not even rats could stand up against its power.
Everybody Could Tell
When they start getting up there in age, it's not like grandparents are going to be missing much. You think they haven't seen it all yet? They've seen it all. They've seen way more than you have, and that includes how people act when they're trying to keep something secret.
Plus, they usually don't care. As long as things don't get in the way of bingo, people can just live their lives. It doesn't matter much to them. But if things DO get in the way of bingo, then you need to watch out.
Things Have Changed
When our grandparents were growing up, they had their own TV and entertainment. “Leave it to Beaver,” “I Love Lucy,” “Gunsmoke,” and “Rawhide” were often playing on their sets, and while we might enjoy the old-time charm of some of these shows now, the opposite often isn't true.
New television just doesn't have the same appeal for the people of the earlier generations, and it's best exemplified by this story, which has an old man trying to watch the absorbent yellow sponge that lives under the sea. It seems like he didn't enjoy it, and we could see how.
I Just Wanted to Make a Sweater
That's rich coming from you, Grandma, since I usually have to roll out of your front door after the rich, overflowing meals that you place in front of me. Regardless, Grandma's advice, while presented in a little bit of a mean way, is nonetheless true.
If you're focused on doing something, you won't find yourself snacking just to make time pass. Picking up a new hobby can be a great way to help yourself achieve better health (along with the classics like changing your diet and adding exercise).
It's Her Favorite Game
Of course it's her favorite game – she's never lost. It's well-documented that grandmas are the absolute queens of falling asleep at the drop of a hat. At any time, anywhere, they can just flip the sleep switch. It could be while watching an action movie, a loud concert, or something they're actively participating in.
Sure, they're tired, but it seems like some of them would rather just sleep than do anything else. Actually, that sounds really nice. Kinda wish we could pull that kind of thing, but no, we have bills to pay and brownies to bake.
Grandma has some good advice for all of you – don't leave gallons of milk in the car overnight. We really can't think of a good reason to do this unless you're really interested in pulling off exactly what happened in this story.
A good rule of thumb is if you've left something out of the fridge, tick off one day from the expiration date that is listed for every hour it sits out. Leaving something in the car is a good eight hours minimum, and milk sometimes doesn't even last a week in the fridge.
Feel the Breeze
There's nothing like going outside to enjoy your property, where nobody can tell you what you can and can't do. Like, for instance, if you want to step outside and take a whizz right off the porch into the grass. You live out in the boonies – it's not like anybody is going to walk by your house. Even if they did, they probably won't see you. Things are pretty dark outside the city areas.
Finally, even if they do see you, there's nothing they can do to stop you. It's your house, your porch, and your yard. Life is good.
How Dare You?
A DNR, for those not in the know, is a “do not resuscitate” order. Basically, it means that this person is okay with slipping away from our mortal coil, now that they've seen and done everything they think is necessary during life. What's amazing is that this grandmother was aware enough to tell the EMT off when he brought her back.
For most people, there would be a recovery period before any hard squints and direct communication would be possible – that's how it would be for us, at least. Yet this woman might as well have slapped the EMT!
I Need a Lot of Butter
Who doesn't enjoy putting a nice layer of butter on a piece of bread to tide you over until dinner? It's practically a grandparent classic, complete with a nice butter dish. But nobody seems to have liked butter as much as this grandpa, who would have been first in line if Costco or Sam's Club ever started selling butter by the sixty-gallon drum.
We wonder what else this guy puts his butter on. Bagels and toast, certainly. His Cheerios? Can't say he doesn't. Muffins and cupcakes, perhaps. Even his donuts? Amazingly, he wouldn't be the first.
If you didn't hear this one from a grandfather in some variation, then you have our sympathies. This is the perfect kind of joke to tell, even if it isn't really a joke. It's clever, it's clean, and even though it's slightly mean, even the person being teased won't be able to stay mad.
If you want to really get people to enjoy your presence, cultivate this kind of humor – it certainly can't hurt if you want to create some good, clean laughter. It will take a little bit of time, but eventuallyת you'll get there. It just takes time.
A Professional Opinion
Grandpa, we think you're supposed to cook it first. Or at least season it. At the very least, eating it raw straight out of the package on the way home from the store isn't doing the food any justice.
You'd want your own product to have the best representation possible, wouldn't you? Thus, it isn't all that fair to pass judgment on someone else's product without cooking it up as well as you can. Look, we're just trying to say that isn't the best way to test the market.
And Whose Fault Is That?
Though they are often brimming with love, sometimes grandparents can be your harshest critics. They want you to be your best, and that means pushing you. Putting weight on you until you either crumble or get strong enough to stand.
This grandmother wanted to let her grandchild know how he or she was doing in that regard. And the truth is: not that great. You need to step it up, or that twenty-dollar bill we slip you when you arrive might start dropping down to ten.
They've Got Some Good Sounds
There are lots of musical acts out there, more than there were back in Grandpa's day. Of course, Twitter, the internet, and other advances have made it much easier for people to share their music and get discovered. So, maybe older people have a little bit more trouble keeping the names of all the new music straight.
Which guy was Pink again? Grandpa gave it a good college try, trying to get the name right, and he did get pretty close. And, now that we're thinking about it, Gas Pump sounds like a great name for a band!
Voice to Text Is Never Not Funny
If you ever wonder where all the humor has gone from your life, just convince the people around you to start using voice to text. It's hilarious. This message, from what appears to be a grandfather to his grandchild, is a premium example.
For the record, the guy's name is Chuck, and the voice to text just refuses to understand him when he's yelling into the microphone. If you think you'd rather not have this sort of confusion in your life, remember that voice-to-text is a lot easier for people that might have trouble typing messages.
Grandma, Be Nice
People who have most of their lives behind them realize something wonderful – they can say whatever they want. It's a mixed bag. They aren't worried about people thinking less of them, whether that's because they aren't going to last too much longer, or because they simply don't care. On the other hand, their words can end up hurting some people. Hopefully, none of Doreen's family was around when this bit of truth came tumbling out.
Was Grandma being fully honest, or was this just a way to get some humor out of a tragedy? Our bet is it was a little bit of both.
It's well-known that the human body loves lots of calories – that's why things like butter and sugar taste so good. But to mix just the two of them together and then enjoy them on the regular right after waking up? We hope that pop-pop was about to head to his job hauling wood many miles a day, because otherwise that many calories are going to start accumulating around the waistline.
It doesn't even seem like it would taste good – it would just be crunchy and moist and...it's a good start for bread or cookies, but it's not a meal!
The Right Kind of Entertainment
Now Grandpa, whatever could you mean by such a thing? Surely, we don't know. This gal is just trying to make some movies, which seems like a pretty interesting career path. Directing? Producing? Maybe set dressing? There are hundreds of different jobs that have come about in the movie industry.
Key grip, catering, even things like driving, makeup, and sound. There's a reason that they cost so much money to make – that's a lot of people to pay. Not to mention the actors and actresses, clothed or not.
Pay Attention to Me
You might not have even noticed it, but people of a certain age sometimes have problems being heard. And not just from a volume standpoint, either. Think about it – when was the last time you watched a movie, read a book, or even watched a TV show that had an elderly person as the main character? Sure, there might be a few out there, but they certainly aren't in the majority.
This old great granny just wanted someone to give her an eye, an ear, and an arm. That's not too much to ask, is it?
Too Old for Hero Stuff
Swinging through the city is a youthful activity – that's why they keep hiring younger actors to play the role. No one would be interested in seeing a doughy old man who could be pushing ninety slip into one of those skin-tight suits and start doing flips.
Sure, the spider-senses and spider-abilities he'll get might protect him from getting badly hurt, and give him plenty of strength, but if anything goes wrong you're going to be worrying your head off. Plus, some people just don't want to be heroes, like this grandpa.
Pulling Out the Big Points
We hope this grandmother is enjoying the bonus points because those kids are going to SUFFER with names like those. Like, those are names that are built to be bullied. Sure, Dexter has changed since a certain mature television show came out, but it's still too close to poindexter for any bully to be able to resist.
And let's not even get into Fritz! Still, if Grandma is able to put them in the right place, she's going to walk away as the winner of her Scrabble game and that's all that really matters.
Better Than What She Usually Sings About
We imagine that Rihanna has a lot of songs that get played. Anyway, we've only heard this one for sure, but to those who don't have the best hearing, "oh-na-na" does kind of sound like "banana".
Actually, if Weird Al Yankovic is reading, that sounds like a pretty good idea for a parody song. And for the record, there's nothing wrong with singing about bananas. There should be more songs about bananas.
Marry the Right Person, Apparently
Still, they had a nice year there, and that's a pretty long honeymoon period. Plus, you don't stay married for sixty years without being able to work through your issues.
For the record, the best advice – and this is from a guy who had been married for seventy years – is “Learn how to say 'Yes Dear.' If they've been married for more than sixty years, we're sure that this is all fine and dandy.
When Farting Is Good
Once you hit a certain age, you start to revert back to your childhood in a few different ways. One of them is loving farts, finding them hilarious, etc. We're pretty certain that everyone finds farts gratifying – as long as nobody notices what you've done – but both kids and grandparents will gleefully lift their legs and let them squeal to the delight of many.
You might try and deny it but the truth is that farts are funny! You can't deny it any longer!
Grandma Is the Harshest Critic
Performers or artists of any stripe have to develop a thick skin. They have to be able to discern constructive criticism from people who are just angry they do things differently. You might not have brush strokes like the old masters, but your painting can still be beautiful. Still, it's hard to ignore the things that your grandparents will say after you've shown them your hard work.
This grandparent was so harsh that even her five-year-old granddaughter wasn't going to get her to put on a fake smile and tell her grandchild that it was lovely. You'll have to keep practicing, kid.
And It Stops Them From Invading Poland
It was a much-loved tactic of the Joes who went overseas to try and bring about peace – just pour sawdust, sand, or something else that wasn't gasoline in the fuel tanks of the opposing forces, and it makes the vehicles unusable.
The opposing forces wouldn't even know that something had happened until they tried to start the vehicles, long after Grandpa and his buddies had successfully stolen the war plans or freed the prisoners or kidnapped the general's daughter or something like that. Yeah, it probably didn't go exactly that way, but can you blame us for having an imagination?
Grandma Will Fatten Her Up
This story comes from an older lady who was overheard in the waiting room of a hospital. She was sitting in her chair waiting for her appointment, and, according to the story, a skinny girl from the valley walked in.
Grandma dropped this legendary burn, which set fire to the hospital and the girl in question. Sure, it's a little mean, but the elderly know how to hit people where it hurts. You might want your grandma to behave a little better when they're out in public, but you know you love their wit when you're behind closed doors.
Get Up and Dance
Plenty of people have gone to their elders for advice on finding a suitable mate, and a lot of time, the advice is good stuff. But sometimes your grandpa tells you that you need to learn how to do the jitterbug. It was a dance craze back in the early twentieth century that has now become synonymous with the lindy hop dance. That clears it all up, right?
Well, it's also become a generalized term for swing dancing. There are lots of places out there that have swing dancing nights – this advice might actually be some good stuff!
All the Models Seemed to Like It
We are, at least, quite thankful that Great Grandma didn't choose to get anything else from the catalog. Sweet, innocent Great Grandma just wanted something for her two-year-old to enjoy, and what do toddlers enjoy more than bunny rabbits? Not much – the choice was clear.
The charming bag looks well-made and is quite handsome, even if it does have the famous lad mag's bunny rabbit on the front. Say thank you to your great-grandmother, kid.
It's Always During Thanksgiving
For our money, there's nothing like Thanksgiving. You bring together all the members of your family, you get to sit down for a big dinner, maybe watch some pigskin or play a little yourself. But, for some reason, it's also far, far more likely to have big blowups.
Is it because things have to look perfect? Is it the lack of the good cheer element that Christmas has? We don't know. Scientists are still at it. But at least you get to hear your great-grandmother contemplating filicide. Good times!
The Last Gasp
Knowing you're on your final days is a sobering prospect – and that's putting it mildly. For many of us, we might not be able to handle it. We would rage against the heavens, cry, scream, or do whatever we could to put it off. But not this granny.
No, she waits until all her family has gathered, and she gathers up all her strength, and she lets out a fart they can remember her by. This old lady believes that love is love and she isn't going to hide her love for farts anymore.
It's Really Kind of Amazing
If you've never worked in a senior home, you should really give it a try. Seniors playing bingo almost seems like it's a stereotype at this point, but it's honestly true. They love the stuff. They can't get enough of it, most of the time.
Sure, some of them just want something to do or are looking forward to the candy they get when they win, but there are plenty of old gals that will roll up to their favorite spot in front of the caller and lay out their three cards like it's the only thing that matters.
There are lots of ways to interpret this kind of declaration. Lots and lots of ways. We definitely don't know all of them, but you can probably come up with plenty, even if we don't need or want to know them. Of course, in this instance it was perfectly literal – Grandma wanted the sister to lick the fish off her sandwich.
But that's the kind of thing you could only possibly figure out if you saw it happen. Otherwise, your mind might go in lots of strange directions. Once again, please don't tell us, because we don't want to know.
Yes Sir, I Have
Not only was this a good way to get around that laundry list of demands, but it is also sort of a way to protest. What ELSE was the grandpa supposed to ask about, if he couldn't inquire about his family, his school, his job, or his hobbies? Maybe there are some things here or there that slip through the cracks between those categories, but WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT?
The weather, we guess? Watched any interesting movies lately? Read any good books? Have you ever done hard time in the slammer?
Tight and Toned
Exercise is very important, even if you're getting up there in decades. For a lot of people, physical movement is practically prescribed, and despite how much they don't want to do it, it's still something that needs to be done, or the quality of life will just plummet.
One of the best ways to get into the habit of exercise is to find something that you really enjoy, be it walking, running, yoga...the list goes on for a while. This guy has the right idea. There's at least one exercise that he enjoys.
We Are a Little Astounded
You wanna run that one by us again there, bud? Friend? Your grandfather would fry blood into nuggets and eat them with beer? Look, to each his own, but we can't help but wonder how Gramps came up with the idea for this treat.
There are some countries that will more regularly eat the boiled or otherwise cooked blood of an animal, if for no other reason than they can't go around wasting what could potentially be good food, but that doesn't seem like the case here. The fact that he added plenty of salt and drank it with beer complicates things.
It's Butter Pecan or Nothing
Grandpas have some very specific tastes when it comes to their nightly meals. However, if this grandpa was so particular about what he was eating, then maybe he should have been manning the grill instead of leaving it to somebody who didn't know how he liked it. But, Grandma was left to cook, and if it didn't turn out the way Grandpa liked it he would...demand everybody get butter pecan ice cream?
Okay Grandpa, if that's what needs to happen. But why hold it to butter pecan? It's not exactly one of the most popular flavors, but maybe that's the point.
You Develop a Taste for It
We'd like to know how he came across this tactic. Like, was this grandpa so desperate for something to hold his drink in that he just grabbed the very first bottle that he could find – and it just happened to be for a cough medicine?
He filled it with blackberry brandy of all things, and that became his drink of choice. He liked it so much that he thought his grandchildren would enjoy it, despite all the obvious evidence to the contrary. It might even be safe to say he's the only person in the world who likes it that way.
In Case the Candy Acted up, Obviously
Grandparents do a lot of strange things, but this one seems a little bit off the scale as far as weird goes. The old man comes down dressed for sleep, packing heat, and decides he needs a little midnight snack when he goes back upstairs.
If we might be so bold, it almost seems like this was a dream. Why the garter socks? Why the candy? We'll never know, the person who is telling this story might never know, and even if grandpa is still around, there's a good chance he'll just wave the question off as if the answer was obvious.
Grandma Does Something for the World to See
If you had a little bit of trouble parsing that one, you aren't alone. That's apparently what one woman posted on her public Twitter account for everyone to see – it's like the new version of trying to Google something on your Facebook account.
We've all goofed up when it comes to using tech to try and contact someone – texted the wrong person, or posted something stupid on one of our social media sites, but this one is a level above. The grammar is all over the place, and we don't even know who Grandma is trying to communicate with.
He Knows What He Did
Yes, it seems that even grandparents were getting up to shenanigans when they were of the shenanigans age. They were taking each other to proms, having a good time, and, if this story is to be believed, acting like hooligans.
Grandpa didn't exactly divulge what that meant, but there are lots of options. He could be going the traditional hooligan route and talking about the riots he had participated in after his favorite soccer team either won or lost. Of course, hooliganism might have meant something else back in the day. Maybe he just loitered outside of department stores or something like that.
Pedal to the Metal
If there's one thing that's nice about hitting retirement age (other than, you know, retirement) it's that you have a little more leeway about getting away with things. This unique speed racer decided to put that to the test and find out exactly how much he could get away with, and at the same time, he got to scare the living daylights out of his grandchild – always a bonus.
Somehow, some way, this grandpa was able to get away with intentionally antagonizing a police officer without even so much as a ticket.
The Jesus-Cena Bracelet
Grandma is a firm Jesus believer, but maybe she should ask him to help her with her eyesight? Sure, Mr. Cena is a handsome man, and there are plenty of images out there of swole Jesus, who was clearly eating whey protein at the last supper, but we still wonder how this woman was able to confuse her lord and savior with a wrestleman.
Further, we get there's a lot of different merch out there for the stars of the squared circle, but who would make a bracelet with pictures of John Cena?
This Channel Is Hot
Yeah, we get it, a microwave looks a lot like a television, especially to people that don't have the best eyesight. But even the fanciest microwaves can't tune into television channels. Both of them use waves that travel through the air, but it just doesn't work like that. Now the question is, did this grandmother know what she was asking, or was she actually that confused?
Parents and grandparents might do one of either, depending on the moment. We all have that special someone in our lives that will say something totally silly and off the wall and leave us wondering if they meant it or not.
Grandpa's Got the Moves
Despite not being of courting age any longer, a surprising number of old men think they haven't forgotten how to schmooze with the ladies. How many times have you heard about an old man trying to charm a younger gal and succeeding? We haven't even heard of one.
This grandpa might not have been the smoothest, he still got a whole lot of people laughing. It wasn't for the right reason, certainly, but that's still a good result for a simple action.
For some reason, ginger people get a bad rap. There are jokes about them not having souls or similar jabs, they get picked on a lot. In a world of brown, black, and blonde, it's easy to see why redheads get an extra dose of attention, even if some of that attention is negative.
Attention isn't always a good thing, somewhat paradoxically – a lot of the time, you just want to be left alone. But a joke at the right time, like how this grandpa does it, is sometimes just what everyone needed.
I'm Right Here, Grandma
“...But now I know that it isn't, because you're such a sweet and charming girl that is the light of my life!” is how this great-grandma should have followed her initial statement. Maybe she didn't care enough to clarify, and maybe the Natalie of this story needs to hold up her end of the Natalie bargain a little better.
Maybe she should do more to dissuade the great-grandmother of her belief about the name. But how do you convince someone that your name isn't white trash? Everything you do will seem to them like it's something white trash would do.
There for the Smiles
Look, man, if the only reason you went to visit your spouse in the hospital is that you wanted to get a reaction, we don't know if that's the best way to go about it. Still, it's a charming story, and there are certainly a lot of marriages that have gone a lot worse than two people that still make each other smile, just knowing that they're waiting for each other.
Did he get dressed up? Maybe throw on a fancy suit? Did he pick up flowers or something like that? That would be the perfect way to end this story.
Time to Learn Some Stories, Kid
It makes just as much sense as any other reason. This grandma decided that the best way to teach her great-grandchild that it isn't always polite to talk about someone's age is to scare the kid with a classic tale. All he'll have to do to learn the truth about his great grandmother is open a book of fables and look up “Hansel and Gretel.”
While this might not exactly make the child feel any better, it will at least give them some defense against this ancestor's odd tactics. Really, if he'll avoid climbing inside any ovens, he should be good.
It Tastes Exactly the Same!
How would you even know it had gone bad? It's not like the stuff tastes fresh even right after you've broken the seal. Also, Gramps, maybe you need to eat a little more fish if you have a jar of tartar sauce that has been in your fridge for almost thirty years.
Could have even been up to forty years or more, depending on when this story was told. Was it a really big jar of tartar sauce? We almost hope it was – otherwise, just throw the stuff away.
No Time for Love
Everybody knows that once grandmas hit a certain age, they don't need to eat human food anymore. They subsist solely on the love of their grandchildren.
This grandma had gone through her whole life, loving and losing just like the rest of us, and she had decided that she was okay with where she was in the romance department. She's gotten to the point of making up ridiculous lies about how her body works, but not yet to the “just leave me alone, Herbert” level of things.
While it might seem a bit strange to imagine the older folks in your life going on dates and finding a little bit of romance, there's no reason it shouldn't happen.
This chap might have been waiting to pull this line on a phone support staff for years and only just now had the chance, or he might have really been heading out to pick up his sweetheart, who knows. All we know is that it's hard not to root for a guy that has that kind of outlook on life.
That's Called a Wake-up Call
Maybe this man has been hitting the cheeseburgers too hard. Maybe his treadmill is getting more use as a drying line than as exercise equipment. Maybe things have been too busy for him to work on his weight. Still, that's not an excuse, grandpa.
As a general rule, we really don't want to be walking around and calling people pregnant. But who knows, maybe it was the language barrier that made grandpa so mean. Though, it probably wasn't.
Playing With a New Toy
If you're up there in age – of advanced maturity – of increased wisdom – you probably have a lot of friends. Is it too much to ask that you have a picture to use, so you can figure out who's calling or texting you?
You're a busy man. You have lots of bingo to play, barbecues to attend, and church functions to help set up. Those folding chairs aren't going to carry themselves! Send grandpa your best selfies, so that he can figure out who's trying to get in touch at a glance.
Adding a Little Bit of Spice to Life
There's a big question that remains when it comes to this kind of story (and it isn't why this person thinks Google is a social media site). Is this grandfather saying this because he thinks it's funny or is he saying it because that's really how he thinks he needs to refer to the sites?
It's a question for the ages, and it may never be answered. Remember, switching up the way you communicate – within reason – is always good for a laugh, and it keeps things from getting too stale when you're with your friends.
She Just Wants You to Be Happy
Don't be too mad at Francis – she just likes to share pictures of you. Even if they are when you're standing right next to Abigail or Bethany or Christine or whatever her name was. Maybe you were happy with her, and that's why your grandmother wants to share the picture. You were smiling, maybe you were dressed up, maybe you had a pretty girl on your arm.
Why shouldn't a proud grandma share that kind of picture of her grandchild with all her friends on Facebook? Go on – give us a good reason why not.
How Could You Have Forgotten?!
Guys, remember. Take note. Write it down. If you want to get in good with a lady in your life, make sure you remember her favorite kind of carpet. It doesn't even matter what kind of lady it is. Mother, grandmother, wife, sister, aunt, daughter, friend... They all have a favorite carpet, and by remembering it, you paint yourself as someone they can trust.
At the very least, you'll be able to avoid this kind of blowup. The traditional gift after this mistake is a collection of carpet swatches, by the way.
I Was There When It Happened, Kid
Ah, the elderly. They possess endless knowledge about all sorts of things, from history to pop culture to politics. If you really think you know more than them, go and try to pick their brains about a specific topic, and really listen to what they have to say.
Even if it's a topic you think you know well – even if it's personal to you – they might have a little more knowledge than you think. No, you weren't born on March eighth, you were born on September first. I should know, I got a call from your father.
Shower Them With Love
Grandparents are contractually obligated to shower their grandchildren with love and affection, but that doesn't mean the numbers have to be perfect. Trying to remember how long a specific grandchild has been alive can be harder than it seems.
If you have a bunch of them, you can start to get mixed up. Was that the one that Shelby had in the stuck elevator, or was that the one that Jan had when she and Mark were on vacation in France? They all get lumped together eventually.
That Will Teach Them
Granddaughters love Disney princess stories, and grandmothers love being able to let their loved ones feel like royalty, so this should have been the perfect combination. No? It wasn't? Granddaughters don't want to be told to clean every inch of their grandmother's home, even if all their friends are there? Well, color us surprised.
Odds are this grandmother didn't actually do this, because that would be pretty cruel, but she did think it was funny enough to post on Twitter. And it is funny! Just make sure that your children, the parents of your grandchildren, can't see it.
All Out of Good Things to Say
If you're having a problem with telemarketers, remember that they want to call you, no matter what you do. You can swear at them, ask them silly questions (we recommend inquiring about the state of their underpants – it's always a winner), or just stay silent until they get the message.
This grandfather had the right idea. He was probably a busy man, and he needed to get through his list. A telemarketer will slow him down, so he dealt with it just like a busy man should.
The Dad Joke Upgrade
The dad joke is a bit of groan-worthy humor that is related to the pun but sometimes doesn't even reach up to that level. The granddad joke, however, is the pinnacle of the art form. After a lifetime of honing their comedic timing, granddads know exactly when to hit an audience with a well-crafted joke.
Even if, as in this example, not everyone is super pleased with the humor. You don't have to be a grandfather to deploy this kind of humor, but it's still where you should reach if you're trying to get people laughing.
Certainly Not the Worst Thing She Could Say
This can be a touchy subject, so let's say that unless it seems like a girl is actually looking for compliments, keep your opinions to yourself. That being said, if you do need to show your appreciation for a gal's outfit or style, calling her a piece of crumpet is...maybe the best way to go about doing so? It's hard to tell.
A crumpet is a piece of food, we think, so maybe not. It's British slang, so somebody from Britain would know what it meant...okay, we're going to go with it's fine if the person you're saying to is, well, fine with it.
We're Not Sure if They'll Allow That
There are lots of ways for us to deal with our earthly remains. There are some classic options, like a traditional burial or being cremated. But, beyond those, there are some even better options. You could get turned into shotgun shells, you could have your ashes shot into space, or you could have your cremains made into an incredibly unique piece of art.
Here's another option, which...well, we're not sure if the people who run the London Zoo would want that to happen. The vultures would probably love it, but they aren't the ones in charge. Also, wait. Vultures at a zoo?
How Very Kind/Rude
Now, this is a story that deserves a deeper look, but we don't really have a way to do so. We're left with so many questions that we would like answered – was the secretary unable to make his or her own breakfast, and thus relied on grandpa to supply something to keep the energy up?
Was grandma's cooking not as good as she thought it was, and grandpa just couldn't stomach it anymore? Did he just really, really like the breakfast options at the golden arches? Sadly, we'll never know the truth behind this story.
A Bird on a Mission
This grandpa has his priorities in check. He has goals and he knows which steps he'll have to take to achieve them. He has lived a long life and has come to the conclusion that there are still so many people out there who should really be pooped on.
We get it, grandpa, we feel the same way. First, he'll have to be reincarnated as a bird, after that, the rest is easy. Still, this story makes us wonder if all the birds that poop on people are grumpy old grandpas living their dream.
It's a Darn Shame
It's a good thing that whipping up a chocolate cake isn't that difficult, as long as you have the supplies and the manpower. You can give everyone a different job – the kids can mix the butter and sugar until it's nice and creamy, and a few others can mix up the dry ingredients like the flour, cocoa, baking powder, etc. Others can get the frosting ready.
With enough people and the right hardware, you could probably make one in as little as thirty minutes! No need to disappoint your grandchildren!
All the Energy a Man Needs
Everybody loves a nice pickle jar full of mashed potatoes. No, wait, hold on, only one person in the entire world has ever loved a pickle jar full of mashed potatoes, and it's this grandpa right here. Now, there's nothing wrong with mashed potatoes.
Carrying stuff in a pickle jar isn't out of the realm of possibility, certainly. But combine those two things, and you have something that is a little more unique. We can't fault this man for wanting to carry his meal in a container, it's just that his choice of container is a little strange.
Sometimes a Man Is Stuck in His Ways
Lots to unpack here. First, eating an onion like an apple will get your blood pumping (and your eyes watering), but we've heard of a lot of stranger things for people to eat as snacks. Second and higher up on the odd scale, this grandpa refuses to eat anything other than a very specific TV dinner for his Friday night meal, even if he's out of the house.
What if he's traveling? Does he bring a case of the dinners along with him? Those must be some pretty bangin' TV dinners if he'd rather have them than food that actual chefs have made at a restaurant.